Silent Conversation.

Me: He comes back soon.
Myself: Girl aren't you glad that's over?
Me: You know its not that simple.
Myself: Yes it will be if you let it be.
Me: Just, all the moments. He helped me forget and relax and believe.
Myself: Yes, he was your drug.
Me: I got a different kind of high then. The kind that inspired and pushed.
Myself: Yeah, no cheap stuff.
Me: I felt that nothing mattered in those moments.
Myself: But at such a loss.
Me: I would pump my veins with him. Oooooh that sweet hershey chocolate cool to the touch all through my veins. His words were like clouds increasing my high. His arms were like led holding me in. His eyes like traps, captivating and cool.
Myself: Oh to come back down from such a high.
Me: Ouch.
Myself: To see the world with clear eyes.
Me: He's gone.
Myself: To fathom a life alone.
Me: Imperfectly on my own.
Myself: Happy and content.
Me: By my saviors side I sit.
Myself: You'll be fine.
Me: Yes with covering divine.

Speak A Little Softer...

This morning I found myself crying out to the Lord asking Him why I was so foolish. Why I believed everything I believed. Why I couldn't see what was right in front of me. A clear voice answered me and this is what He said.



"Shh, daughter. It's not okay but it will be. The battle is not yours. It is mine. You are not responsible for his lack of submission. Shh," He whispers. I can feel Him enclose around me.
"I was drawing you closer to me." I lay my head back and feel His warmth.

"But why Lord must I have pain to be closer to you?!" I cry.

"Because without pain, you'd never realize how much you need Me," he strokes my hair with the wind. "I am sad to see you hurt like this, my daughter. I'm sad that you had to realize that I am the only one looking out for you, this way. I do not like to see you hurt. I will rejoice the day a man fully submitting and seeking after my heart brings you closer to me instead of pulling you away because they fear my protection over you."

I sniffle and open an eye. "Lord, please, I am satisfied and fully fulfilled by You. Teach me to walk with only You."

"Ah, it feels good to hear you say that, love."

I give a crooked smile.

"Come here my darling babe. Let me hold you. I have allured you further into my arms. I want you to hear me speak tenderly to you." He lowers His whisper until it is faint. "I love you and you are mine. Trust no one but me, and I will reveal who dwells with me. You will see me in them, and they me in you. They will come along side you and seek to protect you first, serve you second, and encourage you. They will not despise my protection, nor my wisdom, nor my discipline. Lean not on your own understanding but on me. Submit your thoughts to me and I will make them pure."

"Yes Lord."

Dancing

2 months, 1 week, 3 days, and 12 hours ago I responded yes to your request to love me. I sit here now and compute the time spent investing in "our" future. The firsts recorded. The conversations had. The hurts endured. The moments forgiven. The end. I wonder if I wasted 2 months, 1 week, 3 days, and 12 hours of my life. I realize that I did not. I learned a great deal. I learned how to communicated effectively even when I'm upset. I learned patience. I learned endurance. I learned to admit when I'm wrong, not only when its obvious and easy but when its unclear and difficult. I learned that I don't have it figured out. I learned that no matter how much you desire for things to work, ultimately, it must be a two way street. When you choose to disregard another person and ignore them, that gets you nowhere. But when you effectively communicate, that's when gold happens. But some times someone chooses its not worth the trouble. And that's okay. That is the purpose of dating. You teach someone how they treat you by what you will accept. Sometimes people are simply not willing to accept certain things. And that's fine. Whoever you marry is going to have issues and you get to choose what issues those are. By God's sovereignty and perfection He never gives us more than we can bare, but He does let us know when it is time to bow out. And so the curtain closes, and we weep because the play was a phenomenal act, the audience claps and stands to leave. I sit in the balcony and watch as my viewers exit one by one. I return to the stage and reminisce. I was not acting. It was all true for me. It was all so real. But, in the end, I know what my Lord has for me isn't actors on a stage, but genuine love which I find in Him. He values me and I value Him. He loves and holds me and I serve Him. He interacts with me in the way I need and requires nothing of me. Oh how perfect He is! I am grateful that though the play is over, I remain on the stage with my God dancing, for who ever may enter the theater of my life again to observe. I can only hope that they will choose to dance with Him also. Oh what joy He brings. What peace He brings. Join me. Here, dancing with my Savior.

Good Night and Good Luck.

I wirte about love because it is my favorite topic to talk about...but i have to own the fact that i love writing about scorned love more than the concept of true love.  i have exeriemented with it so much. so often. and all this because i sought it so hard...

now...
currently...
i can't even find the words.

love? no that doesn't sound right. not according to your sex, lies, and video tapes. no no this experience is something much deeper...it encompases all the lessons from the mistakes, the intense feelings of the past, and the mmm....the goodness of the future. and the future i see...with......well, him.

Project X.

I have replayed our transitioning conversation in my head a million times.

Some have me being in laughter

Some in tears

Some are full of anger

Others are simply a lecture format informing you about facts you want to find untrue in my gender.

Most of them involve passion

A few bring smiles

A couple leave hope

There was one that had pure glee.

But all of them end in my tears

Being

I feel. Often this seems to catch people by surprise, but I feel. Not being in love, not being dramatic, not searching. But I feel. I feel deeply. I know my heart and my heart knows me. It only knows me. I know no other who might understand my heart in the way I do. I am passionately in love with who I am. This is me and often it surprises.

I sit in corners trusting the words I hear and the actions I see. I observe life taking place before me. The laughter, the silent hurts, the flickers of yearning. All seek to be known and accepted. And this is what sets us apart: we want to be alone in our individuality. When someone tells us we are not, that we are typical, it pains even the toughest of us. We do not want to be group, categorized, or rationalized. We seek to break the boxes and the boundaries of stereotypes. In this process we become what we strive to avoid. So, I am, in this moment, being. Simply being. I am no one. I am nobody. I am of no significance.

And neither are you.

Hot Oil Treatment--the heat rises

Looking through my journal and my computer's logs I find heart ache and meloncholy. I cannot find one story of pure joy. i find sadness and discontent. i cannot imagine what it must be like so i write ideals: what others tell me it is like. what i beleive it should look like. i write other people's stories because i dont know my own. but today. today. for the first time. i am. i am. just. understanding.

This is what it means to care. this is what it means. oh! its a terrifying feeling. its a feeling of wonder and awe. pure euphoria and ectasy. you want nothing more than this feeling and more of it. you ownder how you survived before and how others who do not know this feeling survive without it. so many things you thought were so genuine now seem so foolish. not only to feel but to have one feel back to you. oh! it is dreadful! how you long to fall into the abis that is the rumored "love" but they dont tell you how horrifying the fall is. the paranoia that goes with such a jump, such a risk. this foolhearty behavior that is to follow, not becuase of your joy, but because of your own barriors of fear. how stupid you can be just to protect yourself. how fast we are to chase away anthing that seems as though it may be a threat.

In the past, i chanced someone who deserved me only once. and then i failed bitterly. but here i am. chancing again. this is far scarier. i want to close my eyes because i do not want to see what will result. will i hit hard rock? or will i land in his arms? every kiss i treasure. my eyes stay open so i can capture every moment of it, until i cannot bare it and my eyes close in pure pleasure of his love. he captivates me with his eyes. his very lack of selfcontrol in his compliments. his fear. he is as terrified as i am. knowing that i am not alone somehow soothes me. we are both falling faster than we had planned and maybe we are not ready. but its here now, so lets see where this lands us.

Grand Theft

Give me it back.
You know what you took
Give me it back
My dignity.
You stole it
My respect.
You stole it
Give me it back.

I was a naïve thorn bush
I looked around enjoying the attention I received from my blooms
So many years I was ignored because my buds look awkward
Few saw the potential in such odd shapes
Now my blossoms bloomed
White and pink roses with sweetest scents
Silver raindrops landed on my pedals, causing my beauty to glisten
I showed off my blossoms proudly
And men admired desiring to touch and call me their own
Women were jealous of my clothing so elegant
But all heads turned
Until you plucked my blossom.
And then he plucked right after you.
You pluck and he plucked, then the next plucked
Finally all the rest plucked
I still show in the shining sun.
My blossoms still plentiful and beautiful
But something was different
Something was missing.
You took it.
Give it back.
I cannot reattach these full flowers but give them back.
Do not cast them off for them to wilt away from me
Let them wilt at my feet so they can come back into me through the soil
So that my seed can grow and memick my spendor
You took it.
Give it back.

Its not fair that you took it
Why me?
Its not fair that I lost it
Why me?
Its not fair that I cannot grow it
Why me?
Its not fair that with a simple word, a simple action, I must question every step I’ve taken since I woke up this morning…..because of you.
Why me?
Its just not fair.

Spelling Trouble

I wake up very early in the morning to see if you’re still there
You sigh
Oh my gawd it was real?!
Last night happened?!
The magic we made,
The emotions you gave
The diamonds and jade….
That was all real?!
Oh no, I’ve got to call my girls
So they can encourage my fantasies made true
I slept with him!
I want to scream to the world
I slept with him!
Then I turn back in abhor
I slept with him…
I. slept. With. Him.
My best friend.
I risked all of our friendship
On one night’s adventure
Oh no…I’ve got to get up.
I need to get out.
He can’t see all my doubts
He’ll take it personal
Its not about him
I just regret this friendship sin
I gather my things,
Throw on my clothes
All I’m leaving is the sweet scent of good love
Oh no…I’ve got to get up.
I need to get out.
My ass just said love.

Confession

Tonight I am reminded that patience is a virtue. I never believed that before. I believed in now. I believed in here. But that hurts. Because now and here I am hurt by you. I captured the moment with you. With each of you. And now I sit here hurt and wishing I had let the moment slip away. Different than anything you’ve heard before you say? Heh, clearly you’ve never heard me speak. Yes, I’ll fit the mode. Yes, I’ll be whole you want me to be but that ain't me. That’s whom you want to see. This is me. This is who I am. I speak truth that NO ONE else is willing to admit. We’ll take stands on life, climate, satire, color, rainbows, and teeth but never on what matters: me. Not you. But me. Heh, this is all about me. Each of you are puppets in my life, I focus to bring you to life. I am not your master, only your observer and reactor. I am your audience. I take what I must from you and I carry on with my life after. You will not bring the ugly out of me.

Life Isn't Fair

This is strange. I’m writing my story so that I can allow others the opportunity to not feel so lonely. But I do not know where I should be gin. Should I begin in elementary school where everyone told me I should comb my own hair? Or in middle school when I was told that my nose looked like I had run into a door but it never came back out like a cartoon, wide and flat? Or maybe being called an “Oreo” by the people I was raised to call my own? Then again, there was high school where I was alienated because I did not look like what either predominate race wanted me to look like and my one passion, soccer, I was excluded from because my parents weren’t willing to pay the school. Then, of course, there is college where a man took every bit of self-respect I had causing me to demean myself fin everywhere. And because of my forgiving spirit which my parents were so proud of he later became one of the most uplifting people in my life. Or should I discuss the “friends” who smiled in my face told me to trust in “female sexual liberation” and spread gossip about me and broke the phenomenal woman I had become.

D.C. Storm

I'm curling up in my bed watching my favorite show, Sex and the City. I keep hearing the rolling thunder state its presence in the near distance, whispering to me that its on its way to rock me to sleep. I smile and go brush my teeth. Glancing out the window I see the clouds brush over the tops of the homes it will soon soak in its glory. It may be the TV show. Or maybe its the thunder. But I am reminded of my ny friend. I miss seeing him. He stays on my mind. Not as a crush does ever throbbing through your head, but as a storm quietly looming in the distance waiting for you to go indoors to avoid its wrath. Of course, if you ignore its warnings, it will come anyway and take over your body with its thick waves of rain drops. This is what I remember of him. Ever looming in the distance. Warning me to go inside so I don't get caught up and soaked by each individual rain drop drowning me in its strong being. Thunder thriving reminding me of how might he is. He warns me again and again to go inside where I can stay safe and dry...but I never listen, I am a storm chaser.

Old News of New York

It is silly really, I had fallen for him two years ago. But I did not fall for his sweetness or charm. I fell for his mystery.

He had everything I wanted. New York, letters, sex, and dark skin. That is all I had wished I was. Thus, when I saw him on my phone, I wanted to be him. I wanted him to want me the way I wanted him. But he didn't. He wouldn't. Never. i left for a year and responded to everything he requested of me. Until I grew tired of it. Then I moved on, temporarily.

The following semester he returned to my life as a freind. A freind who had a power over me. I am so glad for God's perfect wisdom to not have me involved with anyone else prior to him. I had to learn to be near him and tell him no. Which he felt the need to explain to me. It was not until then that I realized his ever thriving power. Therefore, I moved on. He was surprised at my back bone. I realized my worth once again. He realized my sexiness adn that I was, in fact, good for a conversation. But it was too late. I was ready to keep stepping, taking the melons of my wisdom, kept in my hips, with me.

Unpretty

Where do I start? I am happy. These past few days I have been learning what it means and how to be friends with people. I have gotten to just chill and spend time with people which has been wonderful. It honestly was the last wound I had to heal. I didn't even know I had to worry about it. But I think I'm finally ready to let go of all of my past hurts. I am finally ready to be who God made me to be. Praise my good God for His perfect goodness.

Try A Little Tenderness

I want to explain to someone that I am in love. But I'm not. I want to describe how I miss someone. But I don't. All I feel is the emptiness of the bed as I lay in it. Its vacant. My arm always lays in the same place looking for a chest to rest on. It is difficult to say the least. I spend all kinds of hours up past the time I plan to go to bed simply trying to get comfortable with the emptiness laying beside me. Its difficult to go from having someone there beside you every night to have complete vacancy. No one. There is not one person for you to share the bed with. And that is the way that you are meant to do it, for now anyway. As I listen to the sad music in this empty house I see my future in Etta James' song. "All I Could Was Cry" as I thought on how I would be alone if I was not successful in this final attempt to let it all go.

I have this final chapter to close. But I am struggling to close it. Because of the struggle to close the chapter I am opening new folders of ideas. I want to simply try out all these ideas just to be sure that they will not work. Today I nearly closed this fateful chapter. I tried to talk things out and let them go. And it worked well for us to discuss being friends. He described an importance in being strictly friends. I agreed to it. He came over just to hang out before I tried one of my folders for dinner. Yet again, I was reminded why I cannot let this simply brush off the shoulder for me. "We Can't Be Friends," well, I'll have to learn because its only me.

Sex on the Beach

I've watched this TV show with a great passion over the past two years. I loved observing the romantic failures of Charlotte, Miranda, Samantha, and Carrie. Miranda's independent woman who only desires to dominate a man. Charlotte’s desire to be devoted to a man and building the traditional home. Samantha's passion simply being sex in its wildest form. Carrie is the perfect combination of all three: a desire to control a man with her sexual luring, with a longing to be monogamous and married to a man so she might start her settled life not revolved around dating. Each of these women represents various forms of woman independence. In my life I have been all four of these women. First, I was Charlotte, innocent, trusting, and slightly naïve. Then I was Carrie, deeply in love with all the wrong men. Then I briefly became Miranda who had no time for anything but work. Then finally I became Samantha who worked, enjoyed her life, and simply got off however necessary. That was the easiest I discovered. It took no thought I called whomever I was messing with at the time and I got off when I wanted to, no strings attached. But like Samantha, I discovered my Richard, my weakness who started out as just sex but I found myself with deeper feelings than I had planned to have. But they were not returned. Which hurt. Once again, like Samantha, I had my moment of sadness and I moved on. So now I sit in the balance as Carrie. I am an independent woman who has her own but I want someone to be a head of me as my husband. But unlike Carrie I am not obsessing over this ultimate goal and my life does not revolve around dating. So here is my Sex in the City, Daytona Beach style…Sex on the Beach ;-) Minus the sexual act. Which people often assume the TV show Sex in the City is about, when in fact, it is about the struggle for women to make it in a man’s world. The search for love, independence, and happiness. But that's another issue.

Internal Conflict of Past Friendships

Some people have a knack for making people mad. Some people have a disregard for others entirely. Some people are out for number one and only number one. They will allow anyone to come into their lives as long as it profits them.

But some people care too much, so they do this. They put all their emotions and goodness behind a cruel appearance. When someone gets a glimpse that this is not the real them, they not only fight, they kick and scream below the belt until that person gives up on trying to be decent with them. They respond by allowing themselves to be open to the intrusion until they wake up and see, they don't need this. They sit and laugh but those eyes don't have the same power they used to. She look deep into them, allowing him to think he has regained control. But then she stands up and leave. He is once again left alone.

None of this matters in the end. She goes about her life and marries the man she had hoped loved her because she loved him. He goes on with the cycle, forever ending lonely until he decides he's ready to settle down, and then he realizes his options were profitable but not love able as he had planned. He realized all the opportunities he forced out of his life. But what's done is done.

Beauty & the Beast

As women, we are taught from a young age that we can change a man. I listen to Beauty and the Beast (one of my favorite movies as a child) and go back to the time that I danced around my parents living room, occasionally bumping into the coffee table, imagining my beast swirling me around the room. I believed the fairy tail that the beautiful unusual girl could take the time to tame the beast and cause him to fall in love with her. Essentaily, that a woman can change a man.

I've had two beasts in my life. The first didn't even pretend to be any different. The second claimed to be changed but still proved to be the same man. You cannot change a man. You can, sometimes, bring the best out of him and make him desire to change.

Goodbye My Lover

He came. We talked. He left. It's over. At last, I can keep it steppin without looking back.

Goodbye My Lover by James Blunt lyrics

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Chorus (2x)
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Chorus (2x)
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Chorus (2x)
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Fragile Illusions

Why did you do that?
You went and messed up the dream
You went and messed up my illusion

I thought we understood each other
Don't break the dream
Don't beak my illusion

Those were the only restrictions
Balance the dream
Balance my illusion

You crushed it, it is lost
Walking from the dream
Walking from my illusion

I wanted to believe that this was not happening
I wanted to think that we were good alone
I wanted you to not want me
I wanted to not want you

Here we are again
I'm waiting for my error
It always comes

Here we are again
You say the phrase I dread
It always comes

I am drawn to you but act as the friend
You are draw to me and pass the friend

Now, here we are,
Hours apart,
Never once meeting

A safe distance
We have fallen again
Together we dance

Why am I here?



I found this when I was going through some myspace blogs and decided to transfer a few here.