Hot Oil Treatment--the heat rises

Looking through my journal and my computer's logs I find heart ache and meloncholy. I cannot find one story of pure joy. i find sadness and discontent. i cannot imagine what it must be like so i write ideals: what others tell me it is like. what i beleive it should look like. i write other people's stories because i dont know my own. but today. today. for the first time. i am. i am. just. understanding.

This is what it means to care. this is what it means. oh! its a terrifying feeling. its a feeling of wonder and awe. pure euphoria and ectasy. you want nothing more than this feeling and more of it. you ownder how you survived before and how others who do not know this feeling survive without it. so many things you thought were so genuine now seem so foolish. not only to feel but to have one feel back to you. oh! it is dreadful! how you long to fall into the abis that is the rumored "love" but they dont tell you how horrifying the fall is. the paranoia that goes with such a jump, such a risk. this foolhearty behavior that is to follow, not becuase of your joy, but because of your own barriors of fear. how stupid you can be just to protect yourself. how fast we are to chase away anthing that seems as though it may be a threat.

In the past, i chanced someone who deserved me only once. and then i failed bitterly. but here i am. chancing again. this is far scarier. i want to close my eyes because i do not want to see what will result. will i hit hard rock? or will i land in his arms? every kiss i treasure. my eyes stay open so i can capture every moment of it, until i cannot bare it and my eyes close in pure pleasure of his love. he captivates me with his eyes. his very lack of selfcontrol in his compliments. his fear. he is as terrified as i am. knowing that i am not alone somehow soothes me. we are both falling faster than we had planned and maybe we are not ready. but its here now, so lets see where this lands us.