Brand New

I am back. It feels so good. These past few months, I've been nearly me. But me is writing. And here I am again. I lost myself in my last relationship. But I also found myself. This past year I've learned more than any female could imagine. I don't know why I say female. It may be because we are generally more cautious then males and males so often make similar mistakes. That is why it is so hard for us females to love them. Because men learn from their mistakes. We, females, sometimes, often, do not.

Here I am. Me again. Writing again. As I so very loved before. I return to my fanciful world of romance to write only about the things on my mind. Not a journal, because that is far to personal. But as a thought process. The things that I simply want people to understand about me as I evaluate my life, my friendships, and my love. I want to ask myself questions and maybe provoke some questions along the way. But from here, Daytona Beach, I begin my lengthy thought process.

Like the late, great Dr. Mary McLeod Bethune I ride my bike around Daytona Beach, seeking inspiration and knowledge for my future. Today I took a day off. I slept in. Went to my class. Briefly took care of some financial aid business. Returned home. Talked to my high school best friend. Talked to my Durham best friend. Watched clips from my favorite romantic movie (Cinderella, the one with Brandy in it). Put music on my iPod. Biked over to the beach where I laid out. Went to the movies to see my favorite actress, Jennifer Aniston, in her new movie, "Love Happens". And in that movie theater, sitting by myself I felt reawakened from a long sleep.

So many ideas flowed through my head as I returned from my day off. It was simply about me. I had no desire or need for anyone else in those moments. I knew I was perfect just as I was. Alone. I missed no one. It was just me and my Jesus. I had the perfect playlist. First, "Nothing Even Matters," then "Don't Worry Be Happy" played, followed by Luther Vandross's "Still in Love," "Addicted" by Ryan Leslie, "PYT" by the late Micheal Jackson, and finally, "Brand New" by Drake. Each of these songs were so perfect for my ride home. Each of them allowed me to hear a lesson that I had not listened to in all this time.

"Nothing Even Matters" reminded me that I needed to stop caring so much about opinions, which is so easy for me to slip into. Nothing even matters unless I know what I believe of myself. I was in the bathroom looking in the mirror smiling to myself at this song. No male, female, family member, magazine, organization, or stereotype could change how beautiful I knew I was in that mirror then. I wore my color swim suite, my favorite of all time actually, with my light blue KAA shorts, and my KAA sweat shirt over it. My hair was not so perfectly tied back in a short, full bunch, I had my simplest earrings on, n omaku up, my eyebrows needed to be done, my nail polish was chipped...and I was STILL gorgeous. I smiled at myself in the mirror hard. I was happy to be me because nothing else even mattered.

"Don't Worry Be Happy" began playing as I walked out to my bike. I just stood there on the boardwalk for a moment and looked at the beautiful waves roll in. I knew I had nothing to worry about: I was me. So I hopped on my bike and started peddling. I spoke to everyone I saw. I took note also of how simple it was to bike to the beach.

"Still in Love" played as I crossed the bridge, taking not of how friendly people of Daytona are, not scary. But friendly. Daytona is a place of manors.

"Addicted" came on while I was going down the end of Beach street and as I went a little ways down Madison. I danced as I pedaled with no hands, keeping my balance through turns. I thought about my last relationship and wondered how he was doing. I realized this was an excellent description of us, at least initially. We liked having each other around, and we were slightly addicted to each other.

"PYT" was playing as I turned down Ridgewood and evenutally the street I was looking for to get to my destination. I danced and laughed at myself as I did a couple Michael Jackson hand motions. I thought about how impossible it is for me to be friends with males, giggling as I thought about my most recent attempt at being friends with a male. I was sad to remember the friendship I realized I had to break off, I just couldn't take it anymore. I questioned my motives in my friendship that was recently offered to me, wondering if it would hinder my desire to grow.

And then a song that caught me off guard came on, right when I had stopped thinking about how I was hurt, it was pin pointed in "Brand New." I was reminded of how my last relationship was abusive, completely unintetionally, but emotionally. I had to hear about all these other things and, physically, I felt constantly reminded that everything I was doing, had been done before (possibly better), regardless of how new it was to me. Then I had to listen to all the things that hurt him from past realtionships. He'd always tell me he was telling me these things so that I knew what not to do, but honestly, he was telling me so he could get it off his chest. It hurt me, badly. I watch him get angry but have flashes of sadness, missing that person. And all I could do was listen and hide the fact that each time he brought up anyone but me, it hurt, badly. Especially when he would compare me. In realizing this specific hurt I realized it was time for me to keep on moving. I had to stop missing him. And so, I did. I put it on paper and I burned it, a large weight off my back. I loved him, and now its time to move on.

It is important to remember to every ending, there is a new beginning. And so the rebirth of Me.