Heartache's Remedy

It is difficult for me to accept the fact that I cared so deeply for Jon but I felt so terrible throughout our relationship. Each day I listened to him gripe about the same females. I had to listen to all the random people I may or may not know that he had been with. Once he even reminded me that I was not as expirenced as him. I am not sure what his motive was in saying all these things but it hurt. Every time I thought I was doing something good or that mine was enough to keep him next to me he kept reminding me that I wasn’t. It hurt each time. I simply desired to let my tears stream from my eyes. But I held myself together. He never knew how badly he hurt me. You can’t unsay things. Even if he had known it would have made no difference. Sometimes I would sit in the car with him just listening to him yell about his past relations and relationships. He always said this was to let me know what not to do. But it had the opposite effect. It just broke me. It made me feel like I was never enough. That I could not undo any of his past hurts. It was through this that I realized that we would not last and I would be simply another girl to break his heart and my own. But I was in too deep to let go.

I realized that until he learned to heal from his past relationships without anyone else, he would continue the cycle. It is from him, in fact, that I learned that I was doing the very same thing. I was allowing myself to move from relation to relationship to relation, and not allowing myself to heal in between. So, that is part of the reason why I finally believed other people when they told me I needed to take time off from relationships. I want to fully heal from it all. I am tired of carrying even slight parts of old relationships with me. I am ready to heal and move on. I want my next relationship to be my last, either I will be a married woman at the end or I will be permanently single, I am tired of the heartache. If I do all these things God’s way then I cannot fail.