Struck with Something New and Frustrating

So I decided to start a blog, not out of any particular desire, but because I just decided I like some of the things I have to say and thought maybe some other people may find it at least amusing. So, here it goes…..

Today was rough I am still exhausted from my job. But I mean, you know, it happens. But when I got home/to my man friend’s house (Jon), I realized I was on the verge of something. Then when his line brother wanted to go to grab something to eat in Jon’s car, he asked me to drive. So me and his LB are in the car and we start talking about me and Jon. Me and Job basically have an understand that even though we love spending time together it is just not smart to start a relationship because we’re both about to be moving around and opening new chapters of our lives. So me and LB talking about this. He asks me very clearly if me and Jon have talked about this. I was honest and said we had before but my feelings had changed rather dramatically. I’ve actually start thinking about what it might be like to be in a long distance relationship with him. Because I honestly don’t see me with anyone else, although that can often change. I truly don’t see how. LB was firmly against that idea because he said Jon probably wouldn’t know how to handle it. He was saying, “he see that next year you’re gonna be around a bunch of attractive men.” He went on to say that Job does get jealous. I laughed and said I know. In this aspect I am not worried, but then LB went on to say things that made me really think. I explained to him that my last boyfriend (a long distance relationship) and I broke up as a result of lack of faithfulness. That break up broke me. And Jon has been the best person in my life since then, in fact, to me, ever. But I wasn’t sure if I was ready to take that risk again. LB said he didn’t think that Jon could do it because of his sex drive. I wanted to cry. This doubt had been in my mind but I was hoping it was just a silly doubt. Hearing him say it broke me.

We arrived back to the house and I acted normal, like nothing was wrong and then decided to go take a nap. Jon soon joined me. As we were laying there I realized I couldn’t walk away from this easily and that I needed to start fighting him from getting in because I needed him to stop taking so much of my heart. When I realized this I began crying. I turned over and jus rest on him like I always do, with my head on his shoulder. When I felt the silent tears turning into small wimpers I decided I needed to go for a walk and get a black and mild to help me relax. So I got up quietly and started getting dressed. I was about to walk out the door when Job woke up and asked me what I was doing. I told him I was about to go for a walk. He asked me if I’d go for a drive with him instead (he’s had a lot on his mind because he has an ish load of work due in the next couple days and so he likes to go for drives to clear his head) I said yes as long as we made a black stop. He looked at me funny and asked me what was wrong. I said nothing feebly. He pushed it. I asked him why he thought something was wrong and he broke down my irregularities, such as trying to sneak out, going for a walk, and going to go smoke like he usually does. I felt so caught and so mad because I didn’t like that he knew me so well or even that he was paying enough attention to notice all those things. So, I decided to go with him to avoid more questions. When we got back I tried to leave and he said he wanted me to stay. I don’t really understand, but he enjoys being around me even when I’m not fun to be around because in the car I was silent and pensive. Now we are in his room, he is finally starting on the work he has to do, and he has asked me to stay to keep him company until I have to go home. I hate it. He makes me feel so wonderful and I’m trying so hard to recover from him.

I have to leave him eventually. Why would God bring a man so wonderfully balancing for me into my life and take him away from me like this? I just don’t understand. There is nothing I would change about him, genuinely.