Silent Conversation.

Me: He comes back soon.
Myself: Girl aren't you glad that's over?
Me: You know its not that simple.
Myself: Yes it will be if you let it be.
Me: Just, all the moments. He helped me forget and relax and believe.
Myself: Yes, he was your drug.
Me: I got a different kind of high then. The kind that inspired and pushed.
Myself: Yeah, no cheap stuff.
Me: I felt that nothing mattered in those moments.
Myself: But at such a loss.
Me: I would pump my veins with him. Oooooh that sweet hershey chocolate cool to the touch all through my veins. His words were like clouds increasing my high. His arms were like led holding me in. His eyes like traps, captivating and cool.
Myself: Oh to come back down from such a high.
Me: Ouch.
Myself: To see the world with clear eyes.
Me: He's gone.
Myself: To fathom a life alone.
Me: Imperfectly on my own.
Myself: Happy and content.
Me: By my saviors side I sit.
Myself: You'll be fine.
Me: Yes with covering divine.

Speak A Little Softer...

This morning I found myself crying out to the Lord asking Him why I was so foolish. Why I believed everything I believed. Why I couldn't see what was right in front of me. A clear voice answered me and this is what He said.



"Shh, daughter. It's not okay but it will be. The battle is not yours. It is mine. You are not responsible for his lack of submission. Shh," He whispers. I can feel Him enclose around me.
"I was drawing you closer to me." I lay my head back and feel His warmth.

"But why Lord must I have pain to be closer to you?!" I cry.

"Because without pain, you'd never realize how much you need Me," he strokes my hair with the wind. "I am sad to see you hurt like this, my daughter. I'm sad that you had to realize that I am the only one looking out for you, this way. I do not like to see you hurt. I will rejoice the day a man fully submitting and seeking after my heart brings you closer to me instead of pulling you away because they fear my protection over you."

I sniffle and open an eye. "Lord, please, I am satisfied and fully fulfilled by You. Teach me to walk with only You."

"Ah, it feels good to hear you say that, love."

I give a crooked smile.

"Come here my darling babe. Let me hold you. I have allured you further into my arms. I want you to hear me speak tenderly to you." He lowers His whisper until it is faint. "I love you and you are mine. Trust no one but me, and I will reveal who dwells with me. You will see me in them, and they me in you. They will come along side you and seek to protect you first, serve you second, and encourage you. They will not despise my protection, nor my wisdom, nor my discipline. Lean not on your own understanding but on me. Submit your thoughts to me and I will make them pure."

"Yes Lord."

Dancing

2 months, 1 week, 3 days, and 12 hours ago I responded yes to your request to love me. I sit here now and compute the time spent investing in "our" future. The firsts recorded. The conversations had. The hurts endured. The moments forgiven. The end. I wonder if I wasted 2 months, 1 week, 3 days, and 12 hours of my life. I realize that I did not. I learned a great deal. I learned how to communicated effectively even when I'm upset. I learned patience. I learned endurance. I learned to admit when I'm wrong, not only when its obvious and easy but when its unclear and difficult. I learned that I don't have it figured out. I learned that no matter how much you desire for things to work, ultimately, it must be a two way street. When you choose to disregard another person and ignore them, that gets you nowhere. But when you effectively communicate, that's when gold happens. But some times someone chooses its not worth the trouble. And that's okay. That is the purpose of dating. You teach someone how they treat you by what you will accept. Sometimes people are simply not willing to accept certain things. And that's fine. Whoever you marry is going to have issues and you get to choose what issues those are. By God's sovereignty and perfection He never gives us more than we can bare, but He does let us know when it is time to bow out. And so the curtain closes, and we weep because the play was a phenomenal act, the audience claps and stands to leave. I sit in the balcony and watch as my viewers exit one by one. I return to the stage and reminisce. I was not acting. It was all true for me. It was all so real. But, in the end, I know what my Lord has for me isn't actors on a stage, but genuine love which I find in Him. He values me and I value Him. He loves and holds me and I serve Him. He interacts with me in the way I need and requires nothing of me. Oh how perfect He is! I am grateful that though the play is over, I remain on the stage with my God dancing, for who ever may enter the theater of my life again to observe. I can only hope that they will choose to dance with Him also. Oh what joy He brings. What peace He brings. Join me. Here, dancing with my Savior.

Good Night and Good Luck.

I wirte about love because it is my favorite topic to talk about...but i have to own the fact that i love writing about scorned love more than the concept of true love.  i have exeriemented with it so much. so often. and all this because i sought it so hard...

now...
currently...
i can't even find the words.

love? no that doesn't sound right. not according to your sex, lies, and video tapes. no no this experience is something much deeper...it encompases all the lessons from the mistakes, the intense feelings of the past, and the mmm....the goodness of the future. and the future i see...with......well, him.

Project X.

I have replayed our transitioning conversation in my head a million times.

Some have me being in laughter

Some in tears

Some are full of anger

Others are simply a lecture format informing you about facts you want to find untrue in my gender.

Most of them involve passion

A few bring smiles

A couple leave hope

There was one that had pure glee.

But all of them end in my tears

Being

I feel. Often this seems to catch people by surprise, but I feel. Not being in love, not being dramatic, not searching. But I feel. I feel deeply. I know my heart and my heart knows me. It only knows me. I know no other who might understand my heart in the way I do. I am passionately in love with who I am. This is me and often it surprises.

I sit in corners trusting the words I hear and the actions I see. I observe life taking place before me. The laughter, the silent hurts, the flickers of yearning. All seek to be known and accepted. And this is what sets us apart: we want to be alone in our individuality. When someone tells us we are not, that we are typical, it pains even the toughest of us. We do not want to be group, categorized, or rationalized. We seek to break the boxes and the boundaries of stereotypes. In this process we become what we strive to avoid. So, I am, in this moment, being. Simply being. I am no one. I am nobody. I am of no significance.

And neither are you.

Hot Oil Treatment--the heat rises

Looking through my journal and my computer's logs I find heart ache and meloncholy. I cannot find one story of pure joy. i find sadness and discontent. i cannot imagine what it must be like so i write ideals: what others tell me it is like. what i beleive it should look like. i write other people's stories because i dont know my own. but today. today. for the first time. i am. i am. just. understanding.

This is what it means to care. this is what it means. oh! its a terrifying feeling. its a feeling of wonder and awe. pure euphoria and ectasy. you want nothing more than this feeling and more of it. you ownder how you survived before and how others who do not know this feeling survive without it. so many things you thought were so genuine now seem so foolish. not only to feel but to have one feel back to you. oh! it is dreadful! how you long to fall into the abis that is the rumored "love" but they dont tell you how horrifying the fall is. the paranoia that goes with such a jump, such a risk. this foolhearty behavior that is to follow, not becuase of your joy, but because of your own barriors of fear. how stupid you can be just to protect yourself. how fast we are to chase away anthing that seems as though it may be a threat.

In the past, i chanced someone who deserved me only once. and then i failed bitterly. but here i am. chancing again. this is far scarier. i want to close my eyes because i do not want to see what will result. will i hit hard rock? or will i land in his arms? every kiss i treasure. my eyes stay open so i can capture every moment of it, until i cannot bare it and my eyes close in pure pleasure of his love. he captivates me with his eyes. his very lack of selfcontrol in his compliments. his fear. he is as terrified as i am. knowing that i am not alone somehow soothes me. we are both falling faster than we had planned and maybe we are not ready. but its here now, so lets see where this lands us.